Everything you should know about sex

Globally, sex is a taboo subject. I strongly feel that we should be more open about sex; how we do it for fun; how we do it to have babies; what precautions we need to take when we want to avoid a pregnancy; and what we can do when things go wrong.

In today’s society, sex is much easier to arrange because we have an increase use of online sites such as Tinder and Grindr. There has been an increase in casual sex, same gender sex, sex parties, sex with several partners in one session, group sex, more adventurous sex, and Chemsex (sex whilst on recreational drugs).

In chapter 4 of my book, as well as talking about the topics below, I have a lot to say – I will explain sex and hormones, being a virgin, masturbation, sex toys and the history of the vibrator, sex with the same gender, experimenting, its ok to be asexual, sex during and after pregnancy, sex in older age, sexual problems, dysfunction and sex therapy, adultery, pornography and the internet, revenge porn, sex addiction, sexual harassment at work, university and school, rape, female genital mutilation (FGM), prostitution and human trafficking, incest, and paedophilia.

The four topics I want to write about in this blog are sex education, how we have sex for fun, the female orgasm and how we have sex to become pregnant. I have made a video to go with this blog.

Sex education

Adolescents become interested in sex as their hormone levels rise during puberty. After being uninterested in the opposite sex for the majority of their childhood, they now seek out relationships with them.

During puberty rising hormone levels in boys and girls will stimulate sexual desires. Adolescents may not be emotionally or cognitively ready for sex of any description, especially sexual intercourse. If they start sexual relationships too early, they can become stressed.  Some cultures feel that by giving their teenagers sex education they will be encouraging them to participate, but studies show that more informed children are more likely to delay sexual experiences and to practice safe sex and contraception.

Sex education is a difficult topic that some parents do not want to discuss with their children, so they often leave it for school to address. Sex is very personal and if an open conversation cannot be had at an early stage between a parent and their child, it could shut the door to future discussions when a teenager becomes sexually active.  Sex education should not be a one-off conversation but needs to be a continuous dialogue. I have written a guide to help parents talk about sex with their children.

Sex education in schools can vary widely from nothing to the basics and it is very unlikely that children will have any education on how to get pregnant when they want to start a family. My research team are about to launch a survey in UK schools to ask teenagers about their sex and fertility education. If your school would like to participate, please contact me joyce.harper@ucl.ac.uk.

How do we have sex for fun?

Sex is not only about penetrative sex; it covers many different acts. It is essential to ensure that both parties are fully consenting and to teach young people what consent means. With the high level of alcohol and recreational drug use amongst young adults in some countries, consent can be very blurred. This is illustrated in the fantastic online, animation film, Consent, It’s as Simple as Tea. A girl who is drunk or on drugs may seem like she is giving consent, but she is not fully aware.

The definition of sexual intercourse, or coitus or copulation, usually refers to vaginal sex, which involves the thrusting of the erect penis into the vagina until orgasm (usually the male orgasm). The average time for sexual intercourse for a heterosexual couple is about 5-7 minutes and when you see a sex scene in a film or on TV, it is usually quick vaginal sex.

All men and women can reach orgasm without the need for sexual intercourse.

Ideally, sex should not only include penetrative sex because there are so many other exciting things to do and areas to explore. Our bodies are full of erogenous zones, including: breasts; ears; neck; toes; buttocks; neck; lips; penis; vulva; clitoris; vagina; G spot; anus; and scrotum. All of these areas can be stimulated during sexual activity. Most people are open to sex that includes: foreplay, such as clitoral stimulation, fingering or playing with the scrotum and penis; oral sex, cunnilingus in the female and fellatio in the male; masturbation; and sex toys.

The female orgasm

For up to 80% of women, vaginal intercourse alone is not sufficient to orgasm because they need to have stimulation of the clitoris, either manually or orally, to reach orgasm. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female anatomy, with about 8,000 nerve endings.  Foreplay can involve using the hand or mouth to stimulate the clitoris and other erogenous zones. The mouth and tongue can lick or suck the clitoris, labia, vagina, or anus and fingers may be inserted into the vagina or anus. As it is aroused, the clitoris swells because it contains erectile tissue.

This beautiful drawing is from: http://sites.utexas.edu/thechattygal/can-you-label-your-anatomy/

If foreplay is not used, many women will not reach orgasm. Most men want their partner to reach orgasm, so some women fake it. If you want a long-lasting and fulfilling sexual relationship, it is best to educate your partner on how to pleasure you because we cannot expect our partners to be mind-readers.

Masturbation is incredibly normal and being able to reach an orgasm by masturbation can improve your sex life and relieve sexual tension. There have only been a few studies on female masturbation, but data suggests that up to 90% of women masturbate and of these, two thirds masturbate up to three times a week.

How to have sex to become pregnant

If we have any sex education at school – it will probably just be how not to get pregnant and how not to get a sexually transmitted infection – more about both of these in the coming weeks.

The optimum time to have sex is when the woman is ovulating which I cover in detail in chapter 1 of my book – read more here. At ovulation, the egg will only be viable for about 24 hours, so it is key to have intercourse around this time. But sperm can last in the woman’s reproductive tract for up to five days, and so the fertile window is open for five days before ovulation and the day of ovulation.

My advice to any couple that are trying to conceive is to understand the fertile window. My research study in 2019 in collaboration with the fertility app Natural Cycles looked at over 600,000 menstrual cycles. We found that the average day of ovulation was day 17 but this ranged from day 10 to day 26 depending on the cycle length. We also found that younger women ovulated later than older women. So it is important to figure out when you are ovulating.

It is best to have intercourse every 2-3 days around the time of ovulation because this gives the optimal sperm quantity and quality.

Doctors will suggest trying to conceive naturally for one year before any tests are done, but this depends on the age of the woman and her anxiety levels. If she is 35 or over, I would suggest that she should seek medical help if she has tried to become pregnant for six months and has not been successful.

If you are using a period tracker, please do not rely on the information it gives you about your ovulation day and fertile window. This is inaccurate. You can only know about this if you measure a marker of ovulation, such as your basal body temperature, check your cervical mucus or your lutenizing hormone surge with an ovulation stick. There are some apps that record this information and will help you know your fertile time. It also important to remember that fertility apps do not confirm that ovulation has actually occurred, or the quality of the egg.

Read more
Your Fertile Years is available to pre-order on Amazon now. Contact joyce.harper@ucl.ac.uk if you would like Joyce to give a talk to any group or at any event.

Blogs
Chapter 1: Knowing Your Body; Understanding Your Menstrual Cycle And Fertile Window
Chapter 2: The biological clock, female fertility decline
Chapter 3: Optimising your reproductive health

And videos to accompany the blogs on my YouTube Channel
Why I wrote Your Fertile Years
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

9 things you should know if you want kids in the future