Sex Education Guide For Parents
Sex education is a difficult topic that some parents do not want to discuss with their children, so they often leave it to school. Sex is very personal and if an open conversation cannot be had at an early stage between a parent and their child, it could shut the door to future discussions when a teenager becomes sexually active. If a teenager has a crisis with anything sex related, they should feel comfortable to talk to their parents. But if they have never talked about sex with their parent before, they are unlikely to do so if things go wrong. Sex is something that everyone does and parents should not be shy about discussing this openly with their children. But for some parents it is a difficult subject so the following information has been written to offer some guidance.
Sex education cannot be a one off conversation but needs to be a continuous dialogue. And it is not just about sex. It is educating our children about physical, sexual, emotional and moral development. They need to understand about loving relationships, respect, consent, marriage and family life. Children should understand about ‘good’ touching (hugs and kisses from parents and relatives) and ‘bad’ touching (that it is wrong for someone to touch their genitals). Children need to develop responsible attitudes and behavior, respect themselves and others. They need to understand about being exploited or exploiting others, or being pressurized into taking part in sex against their will.
Children will start to touch their genitals at a fairly young age. This dialogue needs to start before puberty and before school sex education. Schools should have a sex education policy that parents can read to understand what is being taught in each year. Sex education in school usually starts around age 9, as it is necessary for girls to understand about their menstrual cycle as some girls may start their periods around this age.
The first place to start is to explain the correct names for the sex body parts, the differences between boys and girls and the importance of hygiene. Children need to understand the changes that will happen during puberty and information can be found in the Puberty/Menstrual Cycle section of the website. Girls usually start puberty younger than boys, so they need to know this earlier. Parents need to explain the external changes that will happen, such as the growth of pubic hair, breast and figure changes for girls and voice deepening and the growth of facial hair for boys. Boys and girls need to be aware of the structures of each others bodies and that sizes and shapes vary tremendously and this is quite normal, especially penis and labia size and shape. Since girl parts are difficult to see, we would recommend that parents encourage girls to use a mirror to have a look at their anatomy and to understand the different structures that are there. Girls genitalia are especially complicated and a diagram from a book or web site may help (see Global Women). Girls should know that their urine and menstrual blood comes from two different holes. Boys and girls should also understand about the clitoris as it is a very complicated structure.
But children also need to understand what is happening internally. Puberty affects the brain and causes mood swings and children will start to become sexually curious. Boys and girls can feel insecure about themselves on several levels. It is important to explain to girls about their menstrual cycle, periods and their fertility. On our web site we have the basic information about the menstrual cycle to help you know the right terms to use. It is important that teenagers know that they can get pregnant at any time of the month, but especially during the fertile period. They should understand about ovulation and how girls get pregnant. They must understand that they are at their most fertile when they are teenagers and this decreases with age. It is key to explain that when they are ready to start a family, this should ideally start in their twenties or early thirties at the latest and that after age 35, it becomes very difficult for a to get women pregnant, so that over the age of 40 a pregnancy is very hard to achieve. If teenagers are given this information, they can think about their reproductive journey.
Once children understand about puberty, it is time to explain intercourse. This needs to be done in a sensitive way and should be done before sex education at school. Parents may want to explain just the basics in the first conversation, including kissing, intercourse, ejaculation and pregnancy. Children will ask ongoing questions and parents should answer these with sensitivity.
Very importantly, with any conversation about sex there needs to be a discussion of contraception. Teenage pregnancy is a huge problem in many countries and can simply be prevented if we ensure proper contraception advice to young people. Ideally young people should use a barrier method, such as a condom, to reduce the risk of a sexually transmitted infection but also a hormonal method such as an injectable, to ensure pregnancy is prevented. It would be wise to include a discussion about pregnancy, becoming a teenage parent and termination of pregnancy, including the psychological issues of going through a termination.
We would encourage parents to teach children about love, respect, consent and fidelity. Teenagers should understand the issues of having several sexual partners, such as the risk of STDs, and the benefits of being in a monogamous relationship.
One really unfortunate part of growing up nowadays is that children are watching a large amount of pornography on line. It is really important for parents to explain that porn is not representative of how sex usually occurs and how naked men and women look like. In porn many of the girls have fake breasts, are shaven and have very neat labia. Girls may think that they are abnormal as they do not look like the girls in pornographic material and there has been an increase in the request for labial surgery. In porn, it is common for men to ejaculate on the woman’s face and to have anal sex. Violence may also be used and respect and consent is rarely shown. Group sex is also common. As you can see, it is essential for parents to explain to their children that there are lots of different ways of having sex and what they might enjoy might not be what is often reflected in pornographic material or the media. It should be discussed that they should feel comfortable and not pressured into having sex and having a sexual relationship with a partner involves consent, respect and love.
When teenagers are thinking about sexual relations, this conversation needs to include other topics such as foreplay, arousal, oral sex, the location and importance of the clitoris, masturbation, anal sex, sex toys, premature ejaculation, female ejaculation and lack of erection. Most would agree that the most pleasurable sex is when foreplay is involved, and this will often give a woman much more pleasure than simply having intercourse as it allows for clitoral stimulation and helps orgasm. We need to explain to boys where the clitoris is and a good description is to say that it is an anatomical match to the penis. We should also explain that women can have multiple orgasms. Porn shows a lot of anal sex and it should be explained that this is a very individual choice and many girls may not wish to go that far. Boys must understand that just because a girl has said yes to sex, it does not mean he can do whatever he wants. We appreciate that discussing sexual details like this will be a very difficult conversation for most parents. But if we do not talk to them about these topics, who will?
There is a wide array of sexual identities and as adults we should be careful to be as gender neutral as possible and avoid using words like ‘normal’. Children should understand about different sexual orientations, including homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality and transsexuality.
The law regarding underage sex also needs to be explained. In the UK it is illegal for anyone under 16 to have sex and by law, a boy or girl under 16 cannot give consent. Having sex with a girl under 13 is classed as statutory rape, even if the girl gives consent.
Children talk and chat on social media and there have been a few cases where children have got criminal records for posting naked photos of themselves online. Children need to understand that naked or sex photos can stay in the public domain forever and they should be careful. It should be explained that sexting is not appropriate and can get them in serious trouble. Unfortunately we also need to educate children about sexual grooming.
We hope that you can openly discuss sex with your children. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to contact us at Global Women Connected.
Suggested books on sex education
- http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0061429864?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00
- http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0340878282?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Happening-Me-Alex-Frith/dp/0746076630/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442917259&sr=1-1&keywords=boys+only
- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442917336&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+not+the+stork
Useful links on sex education
- http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044104?pg=1 http://www.underwearrule.org/source/text_en.pdf http://b-inspiredmama.com/10-tips-for-teaching-kids-about-good/ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/09/ways-parents-teach-consent-doesnt-matter/
- http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/09/lies-to-stop-teaching-girls/?utm_content=buffer3249a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
- http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/07/17-lies-about-sex/
